Casey Capshaw

My very public sharing of my passion and process of opening my heart to love, leaves me in a much less exciting position as I slide down the other side of that euphoric and challenging human-shaped mountain.

What to say as our distance becomes publicly obvious, culminating with the socially surprising facebook relationship status change?

Yes, she and I have ended our, once inter-stellar partnership.

I have no insight to share about why the relationship is over, my models and maps are rendered useless in this place. I have her story of why she must leave, which my mind can accommodate no better than it can any of the other great mysteries of the universe. It doesn’t compute.

I notice shame arise for “not getting it right” or “not making it work,” an obvious revelation of deeper fears and attachments I bring to relationship. I certainly thought I had cracked the code to why deep, lasting love had eluded me all these years.

I notice the difficulty in shutting down my “willingness” for this relationship project to work, to do whatever it takes to restore harmony. The wind out of my sails is an apt metaphor. With so much enthusiasm towards my bearing, my vessel simply glides to a halt.

For now I sit in mystery, with no telos to guide my daily decisions in this realm. Fear arises in this place. Insecurity arises in this place. Resignation is the quartermaster of this place, doling out just enough ration for day to day subsistence. (ok, maybe not that poetically dramatic, but it feels good to say)

I can feel the painful expansion softening my being.

http://open.spotify.com/track/4o0NjemqhmsYLIMwlcosvW

…my love, Kendra Current and I had our first date

It all started like this (via Facebook)

Casey Capshaw

curious

hey Kendra,

I enjoy seeing your posts come across my facebook wall and seeing you express yourself in service of the boulder community.

This feels a little edgy for me to ask, but I would love to meet you in person and connect…learn more about you.

would you be interested in meeting for tea sometime and helping to put a 3rd dimension to our online “friendship.”

casey

——

Kendra Current

Hey Casey,

thanks for saying hello! i appreciate the invite to meet up.

What feels edgy about your proposal?

She had me at “what feels edgy…”

In that one simple question, I knew instantly that she was the strong, sensitive, dynamo of a woman that I wanted to be with.

Oh if we only knew the ride we were in for. “Edgy” doesn’t even come close to describing the ride on the intimacy train we have had over the past year.

I am seeing love as the gravitational force, keeping two people close and holding open the door, while all our lesser demons get prodded and teased out of their hiding places and come clawing and scratching for the exit.

Love is what holds us in the fire when it gets hot. Really hot.

The thing I am seeing now is that that fire is a purifying burn, vaporizing layers of my lesser selves increasingly leaving only essence.

We were engaged in Steamboat, CO in March. I had the flu. It was -40 degrees outside.

I love the memory of my love for her, burning through the weakness in my body and the life threatening weather conditions. There was no warmer spot in Colorado that day than the inside if my open heart, offering a lifetime of love to this amazing woman.

After a year of relationship yoga, I am feeling something deeper rising to the surface. The deep love that the Aspens have for the coming winter, as they lay down their leaves and prepare to rest. A nostalgic love, that looks back over a lifetime and smiles as a warm tear finds its way from the crease of an eye to the rosy curve of a weathered cheek. A love with space for everything to arise and nothing to be left out.

I look forward to all the times yet to come exploring what is possible in love with Kendra. It is my honor and deep privilege to share a life with her.

http://open.spotify.com/track/4PYrFE7mpTn2mcUbVPyke0

From an email written to my Men’s Group on 05/11/11 , my 35th brithday.

Hey fellas,  (kendra cc’d)

I am feeling deep gratitude for you guys right now.

I appreciate your contributions to the gift Kendra gave me.  That was the best gift she could have possibly given me and your words made a huge impact on me.

As I read through that journal, I was noticing something in me not allowing the words to get in.  Or maybe it was not letting my emotional response to get out.  As I noticed this phenomenon, I wanted to drop it, to let down the armor or whatever, but the pattern was gonna do what the pattern was gonna do.

I could feel something welling up, in my chest.  Something warm.

On my drive to work, I felt like gifting myself something.  Like taking it easy and just doing what I want.  I stopped in to Pekoe and got a coffee, and casually walked in the rain back to the truck, with a sort of existential melancholy mixed with love.

The welling was still there.

When I started the truck an old familiar song was on the radio, I took a sip of the tasty brew,

and burst into tears.

I am feeling more love that I have ever felt in my life right now, and feeling the truth of it all slipping away, as all life does.

The commemoration of my birth is the sunny side of the reality of my finitude, of the impermanence of all things.

I miss my youth.  I miss a body that was invincible, that would heal in a matter of hours, that could handle anything I threw at it and more.   I feel like I did not take full advantage of that gift, that I took it for granted, that I wasted it.  I feel sad, knowing that I am walking across the plateau of mortality, that this beautiful vista will not go any higher, and will not last.

As I write this, tears fill my eyes and I am overwhelmed by my will.  I want to live.  I want to love!  I want to serve!  I want it all!

I want you to help me.

Will you help me?

…oh yeah, that song, on the radio….Black Sabbath Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train.

ha ha ha ha ha!  Play that at your workshops!

I never was a huge Black Sabbath Ozzy fan, but that song always came into my head when I would ride my mountain bike down keystone…at about 50mph. I never seemed to go off the rails with that soundtrack.  I loved doing that, pushing that edge, mastering body and machine.   I was good.

The bittersweet reality is that those days are over.  I am something new now, in many ways equally exciting. I feel a whole lot bigger than any anti-social ski-bum extreme-sports unsung-her0, and yet I mourn for that man, whose sun is setting.

I know that my sporting days are not over by any stretch, and I will continue to push that edge until they put me away, used up and worn out, but I mourn the fading of the invincibility of that young man.

Today I celebrate the birth of The New Man, the Casey Capshaw that is only a few years old, yet contains multitudes.The Casey that has the ability to feel, to see, to love.  The Casey Capshaw that has not yet begun to fight, has not yet begun to make his impression on this tiny world.

Thank you for celebrating with me,

case

I want to explore fear and a bit about how it shows up in our modern lives, but first a little background on where we came from.

the roots…

Depending on your sources and the criteria for measurement, modern humans as we know them emerged on the scene between 100 and 200 thousand years ago. These early humans enjoyed one or two hundred thousand years of hunter-gatherer evolution before the dawn of the Neolithic age and the advent of farming. About 10 thousand years of domestication in the age of agriculture—hardly enough time to get the furniture how you like it—and the Industrial Revolution comes on to totally shake things up for the human condition.
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I am in love.  Humbly, overwhelmingly, completely.

This is new for me.  After decades of desire, longing for that special one, dating amazing women, and learning from deep relationships, I have arrived at that mythic destination I often lost sight of, spent immeasurable effort unconsciously avoiding and almost lost all hope for the possibility of it coming into my life.

Love songs sound different, long term plans are springing to mind spontaneously, and my world is being rocked…daily.

Reflecting on this curious state I find myself in, I realize that it is no coincidence.  I actively made this possible in my life with at least 8 important shifts.  I share them here in hope that they might serve.

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